im writing for real again

ok so i just reread what i wrote back in september. it was nice. to really write. to really say how i feel. i think its about that time again.

ok... im having a really big transition right now. im sort of realizing my age. what i should be doing is different than what i am. im feeling like im not really living or that ive been living for others. the problem is im nobodies number one. and i need to quit acting like i am. i need to do whats good for me. i need to act like a person who answers to no other person but herself and God. because i dont act like that. and there is gonna be a day when i do answer to someone else. a boyfriend, then husband, then kids, but for now i dont and i need to enjoy it.

i need to branch out. i need to experience life on my own. and i dont mean i need to be alone i just mean i need to have my own life. i feel like ive never really lived my own life. first it was my parents life. that lasted too long, me living for them.
then it was the rebel's life. which was me but it was my dark side, not the good dark side that i like. it was, how can i put this, the red side. angry, rebellious(without any sort of motivation), and destructive. then it was school. what i should or shouldn't do without asking myself what i wanted.

and aside from going to Europe alone and moving to asheville (Which in all honesty, I think i half-assed both of those experiences to my own detriment) i have been living for or through my friends. they have managed to be friends, great friends and yet maintain their own lives and make themselves a priority. I have no yet figured out how to do that. but im starting to. little by little week by week. its as if it were a subconscious new years resolution.

suddenly im motivated to go out, do things, meet people, and pursue my photography. its a revelation. its a breath of fresh air. its like im finally being myself. its also lonely. scary. unstable and unforgiving. im scared. of loads of things. repercussions, loss, gain, heartbreak, drama, humiliation, defeat and success. who knows how it will turn out but at least its something. at least im not bored. at least im not resentful. at least i can hope that something will change in this next year. whereas before i knew it wouldnt, i knew a year would pass i would be in the exact same place. part of me found a comfort in that. but nothing has ever made me more disappointed in myself.
so now. onward. with self assurance(even if its fake). with gusto. with hope.
come on now! ashley - let's make some moves.

anyone who read all the way through this. i love you and im more than lucky to have you in my life, especially when im basically loosing my mind.