He has called Me by name.

A lot of things have occurred in the last month of my life. Things that sort of turned my life upside down. In about 5 different aspects and/or relationships I have come to a standstill. I'm not going to go into detail because honestly, none of that matters. Not that I don't care about it. I do care, deeply.

But I have realized something through all of the mess. That I have been living my life unfair to myself, unfair to the people around me and most importantly, unfair to my relationship with Jesus. I have placed the responsibility of God's promises on other people and things in my life, like work or friends or even family.

The point is, no one can live up to those standards and neither can I. I have put too much of my hope into work or success or friendships or family. When, in fact, my hope can only be in Jesus. (Just to clarify, I am speaking of myself. and not onto anyone else's beliefs or life. Im only commenting on my own heart.) I have hurt myself and those around me by misplacing my hope and commitment.

I realize now that I was also trying to be too much for too many people. I cant take on that responsibility. I can only be a good friend. But i need my boundaries. Because when I don't have them I get spread too thin and too much depends on me. I'm human, I'm not capable of being the perfect friend or the perfect employee or the perfect artist. I have placed it on myself and that is a mistake.

I need to put up boundaries in every aspect of my life. I need to do what is right for me. I need to take care of myself. In the past few months, I have completely lost who I am dealing with everyone and everything else that is beyond my control. This has been brewing for years but over the last few months I have completely
lost control.

I realize now, that what is fundamental to me, what I need most in this world is a relationship with Jesus. Its the only thing I can count on. Its the only thing that will make me feel truly safe, truly loved, and truly unique.

So that's what I will be working on. My spiritual life. And in other aspects giving myself a rest. I hope anyone who reads this understands and if you want to talk to me about it more deeply, then cool.

I have seen my God and He has called Me by name.

pictures i adore. random

cant explain it.

i absolutely love this man and this picture is one of my favorites. cant explain it.

New York City

so im leaving. and going to new york. like now. :) wooooo hoooooo!!!!!!!!!

My Photography site

\Aperture Overture

im writing for real again

ok so i just reread what i wrote back in september. it was nice. to really write. to really say how i feel. i think its about that time again.

ok... im having a really big transition right now. im sort of realizing my age. what i should be doing is different than what i am. im feeling like im not really living or that ive been living for others. the problem is im nobodies number one. and i need to quit acting like i am. i need to do whats good for me. i need to act like a person who answers to no other person but herself and God. because i dont act like that. and there is gonna be a day when i do answer to someone else. a boyfriend, then husband, then kids, but for now i dont and i need to enjoy it.

i need to branch out. i need to experience life on my own. and i dont mean i need to be alone i just mean i need to have my own life. i feel like ive never really lived my own life. first it was my parents life. that lasted too long, me living for them.
then it was the rebel's life. which was me but it was my dark side, not the good dark side that i like. it was, how can i put this, the red side. angry, rebellious(without any sort of motivation), and destructive. then it was school. what i should or shouldn't do without asking myself what i wanted.

and aside from going to Europe alone and moving to asheville (Which in all honesty, I think i half-assed both of those experiences to my own detriment) i have been living for or through my friends. they have managed to be friends, great friends and yet maintain their own lives and make themselves a priority. I have no yet figured out how to do that. but im starting to. little by little week by week. its as if it were a subconscious new years resolution.

suddenly im motivated to go out, do things, meet people, and pursue my photography. its a revelation. its a breath of fresh air. its like im finally being myself. its also lonely. scary. unstable and unforgiving. im scared. of loads of things. repercussions, loss, gain, heartbreak, drama, humiliation, defeat and success. who knows how it will turn out but at least its something. at least im not bored. at least im not resentful. at least i can hope that something will change in this next year. whereas before i knew it wouldnt, i knew a year would pass i would be in the exact same place. part of me found a comfort in that. but nothing has ever made me more disappointed in myself.
so now. onward. with self assurance(even if its fake). with gusto. with hope.
come on now! ashley - let's make some moves.

anyone who read all the way through this. i love you and im more than lucky to have you in my life, especially when im basically loosing my mind.

good job babe

is this some kind of joke

be warned. do not throw yourself at your computer screen. try to resist.
click on it so you can see it in its intended form.

Tour Time

David Cook is announcing his solo tour dates TOMORROW! AHHHHHHH! I am so excited. I am at least going to one. and lets be real here probably three if i can swing it. Im thinking Atlanta, Charlotte and maybe Chicago. Just depending on the dates. im so excited i could scream. and now that he and that nasty girl broke up...well ive just got to get on that you know? ha. just kidding well sort of. i love you david and cant wait to be with you again!

I thought you might have forgotten.

goodness me, he is a beauty.

3 things

ok.
1. i love american idol. im in the midst of watching the season premiere and i love it. i already heard two people i really like and feel like i could be a great judge on the show. haha. you know what i mean. like i can hear music and pitch well and i just have so much to say about everyone who auditions haha.
2. revolutionary road was amazing. depressing yes. beautiful yes. the best performance from leonardo (and i am an expert, having seen all his films) that i have ever seen. wonderful, tragic, emotionally stirring, and just breathtaking.
3. sirius radio hogwarts faction big butt. haha ive been listening to a lot of radio bam lately and if anyone who reads this has they would understand. aka i love bam, he is funny. haha. :)

i'm chuck bass

i love chuck bass. he is such an amazing character with so much depth. it makes me sad that there are people who dont get to witness this show. ed westwick is a great actor and does a great job with the best character on gossip girl. i hope he goes on to great things!
we love you